Some days I think I’m a damned fine cook. There are times when I pull a masterpiece from the oven that would rival Julia Child, and plate it with flair and style that would put the competition on Chopped to shame. Other days, I’m just lucky I don’t burn down the kitchen. To be fair, I don’t have many culinary disasters these days, but when I do, they are EPIC. Like the time I made THREE batches of 7-minute frosting and simply could not figure out what was going wrong.
No matter how long it boiled, it never reached the prescribed temperature, and I was unable to achieve the “syrup” consistency I was looking for. I even tried whipping it into submission with the stand mixer. Instead of the marshmallow fluff texture I wanted, I got something comparable to beer foam, and not very sweet to boot! Into the trash. Second batch was no better, and by then I was getting miffed at the number of egg whites I was going through. When all else fails, call your mama! While on the phone with the woman who taught me to cook, explaining that I had done everything exactly right each time but it still wasn’t working, and that maybe my candy thermometer was faulty, I spotted the problem. I inverted my measurements. 1/2 cup of water to 2 cups of sugar yields a WAY different result than the other way around! Whoops.
That was nearly two years ago, and I’m still embarrassed about making such a silly mistake. Three times in a row… So last week I decided to replace that memory with an even MORE humbling experience! It all started out so promising too… After so many chicken recipes that I feared we would eventually sprout feathers, I was looking to put “the other white meat” on the table. Much to my surprise, there are few pork recipes in Magnolia Table. I had beautiful bone-in chops thawed, but no use for them from the book, so I decided to make an MT side dish instead. I seasoned the chops, got a tasty oil/butter combo browned in the pan, and achieved an excellent sear on the beautiful, thick cuts. They were perfect, so I placed them in my double oven (affectionately known as the “Doven”) turned to the warming-setting while I completed the rest of the meal. I came up with my own mushroom gravy so we could “smother” the chops, made some stovetop stuffing, and paged through the cookbook looking for a veggie side that would go well with pork. Green Beans Amandine; winner! I had seen a Ziplock full of leftover haricot vert in my freezer that morning. If you are unfamiliar, those are just string beans which still have the pretty, curly tails on one end and the stems on the other. I trimmed up the still-frozen beans and blanched them in boiling salt water, which in theory should have kept them bright green and a bit crisp. WRONG. Apparently frozen green beans don’t keep forever, and after only a few minutes they were mushy and had a distinct “freezer stank” taste on them. On to Plan B… Roasted Asparagus with Red Wine Béarnaise. 
You may note a lack of béarnaise sauce in the picture. Two reasons: a) I can’t stand red wine, and b) the wheels of my meal-cart were rapidly coming off by the time I would have made it, so it was best left undone! Roasted asparagus is nothing new in this house, so the simple recipe should have been a piece of cake. So to speak. I was in a bit of a hurry by then, and the stalks were so thin, I thought I could get away with a shortcut. Jo suggested peeling the bottoms with a vegetable peeler to ensure they were tender, or alternatively, snapping off the bottoms wherever they naturally break. I usually do this, I swear! I figured I would just cook them and cut off the bottoms before I put the spears on the plate. Olive oil and salt and pepper combined with a 400 degree oven should have produced delicate, yummy asparagus in just 15-20 minutes. Oh, did I mention that during this time, I realized the burner (which I thought was off) was in fact scorching the stuffing out of the… stuffing?! Yeah, that happened. So much for fluffy; it had congealed into a clump. Then the timer went off, and I pulled out the pan of vegetables. Though they looked beautiful, they weren’t sizzling or giving off much aroma. Back into the oven for another five minutes. By now my honey was home and I wanted to feed him. I taste-tested one of the spears and it was still crunchy. What the heck?? That’s when my world crashed around me. I’d set the TOP oven to 400 degrees… 25 minutes ago… Plus pre-heating time. You know, the one with my perfectly cooked pork chops inside?? The bottom one wasn’t even on. How could my Doven betray me like this?! In utter horror, I stared at the sad remains of dinner. On the bright side, I could now easily re-sole boots with these chops. I could NOT however, saw the bottoms off the stupid asparagus, because even cooked, the ends were just too stringy. We should have just ordered a pizza, but we suffered through the absolute worst meal I have cooked in probably 20 years.
Fast forward a few days, and the memory of those over-cooked chops still haunted me. A cute little Wilbur died for that dinner, and look what I did to it! I needed to prove that I could, in fact, cook pork. A pork loin is by far the easiest cut to make properly, and Jo had a recipe for Raspberry-Chipotle Pork Tenderloin which looked divine. I found the exact brand of marinade she recommended (which I just doctored up with extra ingredients) at the store, and took that as a sign that this time, all would go to plan. All did not go to plan… The pork sat in its bath for two days instead of just eight hours, due to a leftovers situation in the fridge. No harm, no foul, right? Jo wanted me to grill the tenderloin for a total of 15 minutes, using tongs to turn it 1/4 of the way for 3-ish minutes per side. The hitch for me was “grill”. I don’t do that. Not only is it still technically winter and we haven’t put propane in the tank, but I just prefer cooking indoors. I have a grill pan I normally use when instructions call for it, but my Costco loin-a-saurus was easily three times the size she called for. I knew it would neither fit inside my little pan nor be cooked through in 15 minutes. Still, I sallied forth!
A griddle is practically the same thing as a grill pan, right? Turns out the answer is no… I should have seen it coming, but the full-contact with the hot surface really was a bit much for the marinated meat. 
That sauce charred immediately, but I let it go for the full three minutes. When I turned it, the burned part easily came off, leaving behind perfectly acceptable pork. Whew! Still, after cooking all four sides I knew it was unfit for human consumption on the inside. I set the treacherous Doven for 350, verified I knew which one was on this time, and pulled out my trusty in-oven probe thermometer. This thing is a lifesaver. I have never overcooked a roast or turkey with the use of this device, because you tell it to beep when the internal temperature reaches a certain point! Brilliant. I can safely say that THIS time, no one had to “pity eat” their dinner! I consider myself REDEEMED! 
Have Book, Will Cook 